If Dunkirk Was Made in Pakistan!

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1992
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Pakistan’s film industry is one of the few in the world that does not know the importance of storytelling – in fact, the more good-looking the heroine, the more masculine the hero, the more the chances of the film’s success at the box office. In an action film, the actions speak louder than the words, while in romance the censor speaks loudest.

Thank God Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk wasn’t made in Pakistan because no one would have gone to the cinema to watch a woman-less film and second, the story would have been told in a manner that would have shamed the Dunkirk survivors.

How would it have turned out, had it been a Pakistani film, let’s find out!

1. The Title:

Dunkirk’s name would have been Pak Sar Zameen or Kishwar e Haseen Shaad Baad since the closer the name to the national anthem, the better the chance of striking gold at the box office.
There will be no mention of Dunkirk in the title because the audience wouldn’t visit the cinema then.

2. The Cast … besides Shaan Shahid:

The film will obviously have Shaan in the lead who will kill the bad guy with his bare hands without being injured.
The rest of the cast will comprise of the cutest, the most beautiful (in the case of girls), the most handsome (in the case of boys) and the most popular actors of the day.

3. The Director:

Any rich kid with a stronger backing and ties can make a War Film in Pakistan even if he hasn’t filmed a home video before.
There is nothing much to do than call Action and Cut as the rest of the stuff is done on the edit table – Pakistani logic.

4. The Story:

Only one of the secondary leads will die in the battle (and that too when there is a patriotic number in the background) and the rest will mourn his death. There will be a mega villain who will die like a coward because that’s how things work in Pakistan.
Only Pakistani soldiers would appear in Dunkirk even though there was no Pakistan when Dunkirk happened but since the film is for the Pakistani audience, who cares about the history.

5. The Expressions:

Obviously loud! What if there was just one explosion in Dunkirk; in the Pakistani version there will be live bullets and ammunition because we know how a battle should be won!

6. The Fighter Pilot character:

A soldier either dies or doesn’t die – he is never captured if he is a Pakistani and the person flying the plane would have rammed his plane into the enemy camp even if it wasn’t moving, didn’t have fuel and was far away from the border!

7. The Songs:

The boats going to bring the soldiers back would mostly belong to makranis and there will be Laila O Laila performance to please the audience. Since one of the characters must die, there will be a Dosti type song – both slow and happy versions.
Then the hero and heroine will share a romantic song that will have nothing to do with the story but hey, it will be a hit!

8. The Language:

War Films in Pakistan are 80% English and 20% Urdu. Same will happen in our Dunkirk.

9. The Budget:

Over 50 lac rupees because such a high-level film demands high-level funds.

10. Box Office Result:

Super hit – even if it doesn’t recover its money because just like a Shaheed never dies, a Patriotic film never flops!
Omair Alavi is a senior entertainment journalist who tweets at omair78